Christmas Blues

I know I'm not alone in my ambivalence towards the Christmas season. The holidays can trigger all kinds of emotions, some warm and fuzzy, but others painful. Though it is almost always portrayed as a time of connection and togetherness, for many of us it can feel lonely and isolating. It is a reminder of things lost: friends and family, broken relationships, and the happiness and innocence of youth.

My friends and family often compare me to the Grinch, and I must admit, it is probably a pretty apt comparison. Not only am I a contrarian who hates materialism, but I also happen to share his smile. And just like the movie, every year I too undergo a transformation, beginning with disgust and dread, but somehow moving to a sense of peace, or at least acceptance.

But I'd be justified in my sense of Christmas dread.

Whether we like it or not, it has become a time to "celebrate" excessive materialism. A time for wasting and trash, obligatory gifts no one wants, family tension, and nagging feelings of inadequacy for not doing enough or having enough. I know I sound like Scrooge, and I know my views are pessimistic, but I still feel compelled to write about what I see as the unnecessary downsides of Christmas as it is currently practiced and promoted.

Of course, we always hear messages from the media pointing out the "true reason for the season" and how materialism is bad. Yet nothing ever seems to change. We are hopelessly stuck in this endless cycle of gift buying and feelings of guilt for not doing "enough". Maybe you don't share my anxiety, or you've just learned to let it all go, but I know I'm not alone. Every year we say "we are going to do less", yet it always seems to get more and more out of hand. If you've learned how to simplify this season, please let me know because I feel trapped.

When I start feeling overwhelmed and sanctimonious, I try to remind myself that my experience is not the only one. From a child's perspective, all the gifting and excess can help to create the mystery and magic of Christmas. But it really doesn't take that much to inspire a child. My favorite activity growing up was getting out all the decorations from the attic and putting them on the tree. A simple family ritual like this was all it took to fill me with wonder and excitement. Of course, I wanted all the presents, but that's not what I remember. I remember the smells, sounds, and whole aura of the season.

I think it is important for us to step back and think critically about what we value and treasure in this world. I know the older I get the less I want... well, except maybe expensive plants. And the thing I treasure most about life is the chance to experience the beauty of this world. Beauty not only from the natural world but also from the complexity and richness of our fellow humans. Experiencing all brokenness and gloriousness of humanity, or the whole picture of a person makes life interesting and worth living. Learning to love everything about life, even the damaged parts, is my life-long quest and helps me bear the weight of it all.

Christmas is a great time for reflection and that itself can be enriching, even if it brings up painful memories. Reconnecting with people from our past, even those who have hurt us or vice versa, can help dislodge us from our self-destructive patterns. Think of this time as an opportunity to practice forgiveness. And forgiveness not only for those who have hurt us but also for ourselves.

It is also an opportunity for us to slow down. And we desperately need to slow down. Many of us need to be forced to break from work, and this is often that time. In an age of constant e-mails and errands, slowing down and being somewhat bored, can be a blessing. We will be tempted to pick up our phones and scroll FB or news, so I'd urge you to turn it off or go someplace with no reception. I'm lucky in that my phone often doesn't work at my family's house... I need to force myself to disconnect!

When I feel overstimulated and angsty, which is quite often. I go outside and walk. Just getting outside of my hypercritical head is the key... preferably a brisk walk that gets my blood pumping! I sometimes think about my place in the universe. For in the grand scheme of things, my existence is kinda meaningless. This is oddly comforting to me. It takes some of the pressure off. While I still try to do the best I can, it is nice to know that my life, and my stresses, don't really matter.

Because Christmas is such an emotional rollercoaster, please take comfort in knowing that you aren't the only one suffering. Remember that this is a time for reflection and slowing down. Remember that even if you feel like fleeing or sailing off to an uninhabited planet (like me), someone else may be experiencing genuine joy and wonder. And if you don't understand why anyone could possibly feel bad during the holidays, be aware that this is a complicated time for a lot of people.